Give it a Year - Day 336

Three hundred and sixty-five days of living in Johannesburg is almost here, dear friends. And what better time than any, I get a mail from a friend in Durban asking me what it’s been like thus far. From what I can tell she’s braving the move, so to help her out I thought a little summary of my year would be a perfect opportunity to unblock this writers stall and indulge her and enlighten you to a city I will now call home for yet another three hundred and sixty-five days. 

So here goes…

She says in her mail “ I know you grew a very large pair of testicles and made the move.” I don’t think it was ever about “growing a pair” It was more about outgrowing Durban. The opportunities to make a life in Durban became harder. The thought patterns became a saturated circle of the same ideas, same people and I felt less and less motivated to follow a dream. Weekends became the same activities all surrounded by the ocean, getting a tan (well, not in your case Angie) having a braai and watching the rugga. Driving out to the midlands, or taking a costal trip got harder, as again, the motivation in our twenty-something brains felt more comfort, stagnated and drained from fighting in the same pool in the office every week. My move came from a pull of something different, and push away from the same old. It definitely wasn’t about growing a pair, it was just about growing. 

I remember driving away from Durban for the first time, the further I got, the looser the noose around my comfort strings got. It was like Durban let me go, and as I neared the big smoke I felt a pull unlike any. She (Johannesburg) in all her wintery smog engulfed me into the type of welcoming hug you experience from a friend that you havnt seen in a very long time. My nostrils burnt from the dryness, and my eyes tried to adjust to the initial ugliness she is. Winter is not a good look on her. But as I cornered into my new home I was surprised at the beauty she has hidden. 

Johannesburg is about diversity, it’s the people that make the city. At first glance I get why we are drilled from afar of why it’s such a shitty place to live. All you see when we set the stage are actors that play on crime, cold and a money making propaganda of no use to the twenty-something creatives that are all shipped to Cape Town to fall into self expression. Listen here, Joburg is self expression. I look at the city and there is not one neighbourhood that isn’t created by it’s community.  It’s more alive than any city I have been in, it’s more real and exactly where any dream is created and guess what? Where all dreams are actually followed through. It's not a forever place, but the place we all need to start with.

Making friends with Joburg is a tad harder than making friends with it’s people. A ring full of roads with the closest place of convenience just, “20 minutes away”, for a Durbanite this was the first bit of “Wow, this city is big!” and “Down the road can’t possibly be the difference between Kloof and Durban central, because that’s a day trip, right?". My faith became my GPS as landmarks move quicker than the night (Joburg’s infrastructure is an evolutionary project, buildings go up and buildings come down. It’s a man made battle to win the sky, so nothing is the same for very long.) and difference between the M1 and N1 is the difference between getting home at night or “you’re lost, you might as well park and take the train.” 

It’s, to say it bluntly, scary learning the curves in her structure. But once you get it, it’s like conquering the moon. Back roads, ain’t nothing but a thang, (unless you venture North then I can’t help you, Fourways and I still havnt become friends). 

The weather? Jozi’s winter is harsh. It comes with no warning and you are left bone cold and grasping for moisture. The farce of the sun is just there to comfort you and let you know that summer still exists, somewhere. The fashion options are just layers of fun, knits, boots and scarves for days, which makes it bareable and sparks new excitement into the frosty air. Then Spring, my most favourite season in this city arrives, butterfly swarms decorate the streets like spring snowflakes, it’s awakening and magical. Onto summer storms, loud enough to deafen a deaf man and like clock work at 5pm they come and they go leaving you with rainbows, and sunsets that welcome you home after a long day. 

It’s the nature of Joburg to pull you into a work drive that at times makes you want to die and then lift your spirits so high in it’s natural beauty that makes it all ok. The intensity of it’s pace becomes a drug, in all aspects. 

So did I find it easy to make friends? I don’t think I have ever had a problem making friends, but in this city, the people are warm, we only really have each other and because of the diversity in it’s culture everyone is looking for a new lunch date, a new dancing buddy or someone to call for a sneaky glass of wine on a Sunday afternoon. And the most bizarre thing is that when you meet someone at a bar, and exchange numbers.. they actually call! The people of Joburg want to get to know you, I have a ridiculously diversity in my friends, from Jews, to Greeks, Polish, English, German and Bulgarians.. cliques don’t exist here. So it’s best to leave your apprehensions elsewhere. We’re open, everyday. 

I feel like I could go one about the greatness here, I could go on for days, but I can’t tell you that you are going to be right for Joburg, I honestly think it’s like an arranged marriage. You aren’t really sure about her in the beginning but over time you can’t help but fall so deeply in love with her that living anywhere else could not match up to what she has to offer. 

So on that note Angie: I would take the leap, it’s only 550kms from “home” and if you don’t like it, go home. But give it time. Live the four seasons with open arms and embrace a new adventure. As a creative there is no better place than here. And I am here. 

Ah friends, I can't wait to move into my new home in a week and start all over again, in my new neighbourhood, in the same city and for the millionth time see it with completely different eyes. 

One, Two, Twee - Day 205

Well hello humans, big and small. How are you feeling about this looming day of acknowledging this lack of love in your life? Fear not, I have a plan. A plan so devious that it will knock sadness right out of your hearts and replace it with fluttering feelings only a first love can resurface.

It might seem hard at first, but if you trust me, the fourteenth day of the second month will forever be transformed as the day you truly felt an overwhelming love for yourself. "Ahhh..", you say, "this girl is trying to get me to forget how badly I want a pair of strong arms wrapped around me. That the tears on my pillow will only dry up when I receive my special delivery of red petals. Dear silly girl writing this, how am I supposed to forget a day so commercially driven by needing love, by simply just loving myself?"

Just like you, I have had my heart tickled like a puppies tummy and boy, did it feel good. It's also been abandoned, bruised, terrified and broken. Yet somehow, over time all I can seem to remember are the good feelings. I look not longingly at couples walking down the street engrossed in their fluttery feelings but stare more at the wonder of "I've had that".

Like soppy, sunlight soap this post is probably making you feel like I am about to tell you to do a chore. Ha ha! Surprise!

I am.

Here's what I need you to do this Valenshmimes day, in no particular order (just do it ok?):

1. Wake up with the sun. 
A new day is born every. single. day. You don't see the Sun going, "Oh well nobody loves me therefore I shan't shine upon you earthlings." The sun rises, it shines and it spreads joy on every soul it touches. This is your first mission. Show a little shine on someone that needs it.

2. Put some spark on that dial.
Get up, get dressed, put on your most "you" outfit. Crank that music up and dance around the house like a mad woman. Wiggle that bum until the pure dorkiness makes you giggle to the floor. Happy humans are hard to break. Believeeeedat!

3. Prepare a love breakfast
Forget the diet, bring out the strawberries, dollop on that Marscopone, spread the syrup and flip those flapjacks! If your kitchen is in a state of unrelentless repair, take a walk down to your favourite restaurant. Ask for a table for one. Reassure the waiter, that yes, it's a table for O-N-E. Order indulgently. Breath in the solo time and think only happy thoughts. It's about time you took yourself on a date.

4. Compliments count
When we are bursting with joy we can't help but spread the love. Pick up that phone, call your gran, call a crush and wish him a happy day. That's all. A simple hearty gesture. (lol)

5. Flowers are for all occasions 
I say red roses are just ridiculous. The mark up on the price of petals just because it happens to be a commercially driven day is outrageous. I like daffodils anyhow. Buy yourself some flowers and place them where you can admire them, and if someone asks… "My secret admirer gave them to me, myself."

6. It's wine time. 
Pick a handful of people that mean the most to you, the ones that fill you with joy. Invite them over to your house and pop open that bottle of bubbly. It's time to celebrate being the most awesome and unique individuals that you are. Your task for the evening: Go around the room and say one thing about each other that you love the most. Queue the giggles and enjoy the reminiscence of being you.


I am a big advocate of self love. It's the simplest but hardest thing to get right in our existence. God knows it's taken me years! This simple to-do list is pretty much my checklist for everyday, yes there are days I need to work harder at it (like said day) but it's become such a way of life for me now that I can honestly say I truly love every inch of who I am.

So tell me, how can you celebrate being you this Valentines day? And if you are snuggled tight to an other half, (you lucky little human you) how can you show them that, you, this human sitting next to him, is pretty much the most awesome being he'll ever meet?

Go fourth and spread love. All, over, your, self.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Dear Future Husband - Day 177

Dear Future Husband, 

It's a Tuesday. The sun is shining down on the Joburg streets just as it so lovingly does every day in the summer. In the distance, just as you may be, a storm is rumbling softly. Awaiting it's perfect entrance to cool down the souls of the city. The year is 2014 and just as the year is starting to awaken to the possibilities of the next 351 days, so am I. 

I am not quite sure if this is the year I will meet you, but it's definitely a year I am preparing to let you in. My excitement of finally being ready to shake your hand, randomly bump into you, or steal your smile in a passing isle is overwhelming. I hope you will hear me laugh and run, (kidding), come looking for me, or offer to carry my bags as the effort of carrying them myself will seem too much of a task to let me. It's this random moment of connection that we have to meet. Any other way will ruin the perfect movie moment I have planned for us.

I know the first time we'll hold hands will be an awkward moment. The sweaty palm on palm scenario is a realistic one. You'll accidentally offer me a low five and I'll mistaken it for a "let's hold hands" moment. I think I will like that the most. Because you see, on reflection, you'll like that the most.

I don't want to plan our first kiss or even think about our first intimate moment, as that could go either way. I could hate it, it could be a fumbling disaster with an awkward silence to deafen the dead. And then I would have no option but to call you my Future Ex Husband.

However, before any intimacy happens, I cannot wait to go on an adventure with you. A week long road trip where the only sound is my singing voice softly blowing away in the wind. (Which you will softly thank the wind for blowing away). I cannot wait to climb mountains and discover new nooks in hidden highvelds. Run naked in the moonlight and cuddle under the stars to the backdrop of that movie soundtrack we once hated.

Can you imagine the first time I will say "I love you"? You'll probably mistaken it for a cough or not even notice as I will tell you in your sleep. I'll hide the fact that I am hopelessly devoted to you until I experience a moment of fear as we bungee off the Victoria Falls bridge. Then I doubt you'll ever be able to unhear it. 

So just to clear some things up, before my friends get a hold of my reputation, there are 5 things you need to know before you ask me to be your wife. 

1. I hate it when you order the same food as me. How am I suppose to steal some off your plate?

2. Even though I have quit smoking, I'll sneak a puff in the park when I walk the dogs and deny every moment as I walk into the house smelling like a perfume stand.

3. I'm writing this because secretly I hope I have already met you and this is just a heads up before I go all "I love you" on your ass. 

4. I really like it when you take the rubbish out.

5. I have never, ever, lied about being in a relationship. Not even that one time I got free drinks at that bar you thought I didn't go to.

Totally kidding about number 3. 

Future Husband all I ask is that you be kind, that you treat me with more respect than your mother. That you love me unconditionally, not everyday but most days. I hope we fight and disagree but always keep our values on the same path. Please give our kids the best possible advice and enjoy your life with me. I ask that you see me not as your wife, but your best friend. The other half of the avocado you wish you hadn't eaten. And if for any reason you want to leave, it'll be best if you fake your death or I'll do it for you. 

Right now, in this moment ( of clear deliriousness) I cannot wait to meet you. 

I hope your day is going well, and that you get home safe from work. I do kinda need you alive.

All my love, 

Your Future Wife

A new, NEW year! - Day 170ish

Hello 2014, when did you sneak in so quickly?

I love NEW, anything sparkly and unknown. I love the new in a new year and even more the soul searching brightness of new resolutions. I like it the best that we get to start the new in the middle of summer. Feeling fresh and fit.  I mean, isn't looking forward to a newness in anything just the best? It makes me even happier when I look back at the old and find a new perspective, "Hey Chick, (I like to tell myself) check out all the cool stuff that your mind conjured up, look where your heart travelled to and look where it is now. I recon you've done well babe."

For the first new year in many, I can say I have a clean slate. I've dusted off the baggage, worked through the mind mess and well, here I am. As sparkly and new as the new year itself. I normally have a knack of starting the new year with goals and resolutions that are tangible and easy to accomplish. But this year I started it off with a bigger picture, full of how I would like to see my life live. Most of the things I have presented to the universe are completely out of my control but I know are guided by Mr Upstairs. I have a full feeling of excitement and motivation this time around.

Last night after settling down into my beautiful Joburg apartment after a full two weeks in my Durban home, I challenged myself to not write down goals but words in which at the end of this year I would like to see describe how it went.

ADVENTURE, LOVE and SUCCESS were the three wordies that I see defining my 2014. I am not completely attached to the manner in which they manifest but I guess, that's really not up to me is it?

I challenge you with a simple word goal for your very own 2014. What words would you like to have described your year?

I don't think a strong belief in the workings of manifestation is needed, I think that what we want for our lives can come in many forms and whatever we call them; prayer, sun salutes, dancing naked in the rain, they all funnel into the same objective. The bottom line is, starting the year off with a positive and strong intention is the first stepping stone that we can take to motivate ourselves. Your every action is a reaction to a thought prompted by some divine subconscious goal you have set for yourself. Nothing is coincidence. You made it happen all on your very own.

So here's me wishing you a very smiley, warm 2014. May it be the best one you can imagine it to be!

Challenging 20s - Day 104

I am battling with a tug of war between my current reality and the vision of where I should be. The feeling of another year closing and not having done something 'BIG' is filling me with so much pressure.

Every time I think that my 26th year on this planet is nearing it's 27th, I stiffen up. I go into a panic and question everything that I stand for.
Am I proud at what I have become?
Have I done my best to progress into what I ultimately want out of life?
Is my definition of success on a higher platform than I can ultimately achieve?
And will climbing the ladder to get there be more stress than reward?

I know I chase change and challenge everything I do in fear of coasting. A friend once said to me after I had mentioned that I was leaving yet another job, "Oh that's right you've been there a year - must be time for you to move on." I hadn't really seen the pattern until I looked back on my last 3 years, yep there it was. A timeline of change.

Comfort has always filled me with uncertainty. I have lived on a constant "what's next?" for years. Challenging a change, whether it's a hair colour, a bedroom makeover, a city move or a break up. Maybe it's a commitment thing. A fear of getting too close, too attached to any said thing that it will result in disappointment.

Yes, I am in my 20s and as everyone has said, "you are still so young there is time for that". But why wait until I am "of age" before I become anything? Why are our 20s so jaded with "there is time" that by the time we are 32 we feel like we have run out? I don't agree. I think that whatever I am meant to be, be it now or when I am 32 is up to me to make that happen.

Our twenties are so full of pressure to get a degree, find a profession, move up that ladder, buckle down and SETTLE on that ever after. Do we forget about the now? That our time to travel is either when we take a gap year or when we earn enough to reward ourselves for that 'break'.

I don't want to be that thirty something that wakes up one day, packs a bag and heads for the furthest direction away from 'completion' possible. I want to wake up and know that what I have done, what I have accomplished is, enough.

Daily dears, for the sake of blaming, I blame Joburg. A city so forced in accomplishment, happiness becomes only a weekend thing. It's challenged my thoughts and challenged my goals.

So all I can say is, "Challenge Accepted."

A letter to me - Day 92

Dear Me, 

Sorry I have forgotten about you for so long. The thing is, I think about you everyday but the words I have to say to you are hard for me to admit, a space I've grown through that needs a final exhale. 

They never tell you that moving to a new city has very HIGH, highs and super duper lows. They also don't tell you that even though you are a super, independent woman you will dream about having a special someone to share your morning finds and afternoon affirmations with. They say things like, 

"He is out there somewhere, you just need to be patient."

But I don't quite know where to find this somewhere where this someone is waiting for me. I am patient. ish. But what about right now? Is he standing at that somewhere just waiting? Or has he given up and settled for that second best?

I recently found myself in a place with a human, that wasn't me. It definitely wasn't that somewhere, that they speak of. He was a second best. And he made me feel like second best. Easily attainable for the smell of settling. Under the covers it was a glimpse of happiness I haven't felt in a while but resurfacing it made me feel used and uncertain of me. Affection was only found at the bottom of a beer bottle. It wasn't normal, nor nice. It became an obligation. It was unfair to expect someone to fuel my happiness. As much as he wasn't able to fuel his own, I was the one who came out bruised and hurt. 

People are not what they seem. People will do whatever it takes to feed their own desires, including using people as play things. I am guilty of such things. People as play things, it's honestly a terrible thought. Puppeteering emotions to taunt your joy button. I think you can tell if someone is unhappy by the way they share a life. I feel so stupid for letting him in. 

He got the best of me and I was saving that for someone else. 

There is a line I hear him say over and over in my head, sometimes I have to say it out loud to know that it's real. And that someone who shared my life with me could even say these things about me, the exterior of me. It's selfish and unfair. 

" Jemma is not physically attractive." 

My rant could go on, but I am done with him. I am done with the dirt he made me feel. I guess the most horrible thought I could imagine saying to him would be that he doesn't deserve happiness. Not until he finds it in himself. The truth is he doesn't deserve to be told either. His projection of me is up to him, but the BUT is, that if you feel like that towards someone you are with, you shouldn't be with them. Whatever your intention. 

I look at the relationships around me and I see light. I see gentlemen behaving like gentle humans towards their other halves. This is how it is supposed to be. So, I will wait, I will wait in my own somewhere for that someone. Everyone deserves a version of their own fairytales. 

I said to a dear friend the other day that has found herself in an incompatible union, 

"We dream of unicorns, those are the highest values we want in our lives, but on earth there are ponies, and they're pretty much the same thing."

I know this is just another check point in my life to a better me. So with one final breath of yet another bad human experience, I breath it all out and finally let him go.

All my love,

Me

Questions - Day 60 (about)

There is something out there.

I wake up every morning, stretch and slip into a wonder of something close but yet unattainable.
The first question I ask myself is never a surprise, "What's for breakfast?"
The second is a little scary, "How am I going to make today matter?"
The third, is a statement disguised as a question. "Get up, don't press snooze, go run(?), now."

Squished between the reality of my life is a niggling quest of a question. Often ignored and put aside in the "Post-it" section of my brain. To do's later, I'll get around to it tomorrow's.
Tomorrow was 365 days ago.
There is less than 10 hours to go in today and nope, nothing quite life changing has surfaced.

Do expectations drive our purpose? 
We get a job, we are expected to behave in a manner of conduct, we quit our job. We live without purpose until we give way to stability and arrive back at the register to sign ourselves back into expectation. Because living a life we want, is beyond what we are expected and that's just silly, right?

What defines happiness?
I recently got questioned for my ultra positive personality. What makes ME so happy ALL THE TIME? Life does. A shift that if I find that sparkle and write my name in the sky it will never dull. I can't explain it - it's just happened. Wiki says, "Philosophers and religious thinkers often define happiness in terms of living a good life, or flourishing, rather than simply as an emotion."
Can't fault them there.

What drives a million dollar idea? 
I heard a statement once. "Everyone will have at least three million dollar ideas in their lifetime." The other morning I woke up with an euphoric emotion. I seriously had a million dollar idea. I was going to be rich, I was going to be famous, I was, I was, I was… and then the 3 F's appeared:
Faith, Fear and Failure.
I put down my pen and closed the door.
Don't wag your finger at me.
I believe a synonymous moment, injected with a spark of genius, and a clock on the right hand, is what generates a pipe dream into an employed vacation.
All actionable by determination. Obvies.

These challenging prods make up the russian roulette in my brain. Circling like a Sharknado, unable to synergise into my life map.

I know one day after spending all this time grabbing at the short straws, I'll get my hands on the long one.

"HAH! Got it!" and turn around and tell you guys, "I told you so."

But right now, today, I could just let it pass. This quest to awesomeness that I chase daily is getting a little exhausting.

Day 19 to Day 40

 Sometimes we need a push from an inspirational place.

Before you carry on with this post, I want you to take this link, let it load, patience now..

http://soundcloud.com/deadoceans/phosphorescent-song-for-zula

Are you ready..? Ok, go on, you may now press PLAY. 

The fear of having nothing good to say after so long is quite overwhelming.

What if we pretended that I didn't vanish, and what you are reading now was a simple add on to yesterday. Not 21 days ago, but earlier. That today, being day 40 is just another day.

Would you forgive me if I had a great story to tell?

21 Days is a lot of time to get up to all sorts of goodness. Being new to a city full of new things is a terribly, terrifying new experience. The newness of every corner is a new type of hype that I just can't wait to capture, like butterflies in a net.

Picture this:

It's a wintery day, but the sun is shining gloriously. There is a feeling of something different in the air, could it be spring? No surely not. But it's there - it's warm, it's a t-shirt type of day.
You decide that inside is not the place to be, so you get out, out into a field full other people, running a mock in this summery spring phenomenon.

There are dogs yapping and owners shouting. Kids are rolling down the hills and a soft breeze tangles your hair as if whispering past, "You can feel it can't you?"

As you flop to the ground, onto a soft comfort, pressing strawberries to your lips, you let your mind go. Why has it been so trapped?
You let it wonder, into the wonder it finds…

Friends of the past that have welcomed you back, mushy loves that keep you up at night and special discoveries of intellect you forgot you owned. Rewinding the past few weeks as if to relive them all over again, you really have never felt so happy.

Staring at your thoughts dancing above you, you lift your arms to remind yourself that it's all real. Look, you are touching every smile and intertwine every word passed between you, enveloped between your fingers. Suddenly you grab them, feel them absorb into your skin. Quick! Pull them tightly into your chest.

Embracing the past few weeks with responsibility and respect.

Opening your eyes,  can see those kites flying high above you? Watch them flit as your human gently unravels the string, the kites are dancing in the breeze, silly kites.

Could this be your life's metaphor?

Burnt from the rays of a summery spring type of sun, you feel alive again. Alive to write again.

And this song that's playing in your ears. It's given you hope to be again. Right?

Exactly right.

A great read, for a great day. - Day 19

Today I have been in Joburg for 3 weeks. Dudes! THREE WHOLE WEEKS! Where did the time fly to? I have been in a thoughtful wonder what to write all day, until this literate gem swooshed through the airwaves onto my iPhone screen.

It's romantic, without trying to be. Real, yet disturbing and catapults you to the wonder.

Find ten minutes of your day to be insulted, angry, and in agreement, as this truer than true piece of literature unfolds your fantasies.

You Should Date An Illiterate Girl.

Date a girl who doesn't read. Find her in the weary squalor of a Midwestern bar. Find her in the smoke, drunken sweat, and varicolored light of an upscale nightclub. Wherever you find her, find her smiling. Make sure that it lingers when the people that are talking to her look away. Engage her with unsentimental trivialities. Use pick-up lines and laugh inwardly. Take her outside when the night overstays its welcome. Ignore the palpable weight of fatigue. Kiss her in the rain under the weak glow of a streetlamp because you’ve seen it in a film. Remark at its lack of significance. Take her to your apartment. Dispatch with making love. Fuck her.

Let the anxious contract you've unwittingly written evolve slowly and uncomfortably into a relationship. Find shared interests and common ground like sushi and folk music. Build an impenetrable bastion upon that ground. Make it sacred. Retreat into it every time the air gets stale or the evenings too long. Talk about nothing of significance. Do little thinking. Let the months pass unnoticed. Ask her to move in. Let her decorate. Get into fights about inconsequential things like how the fucking shower curtain needs to be closed so that it doesn't fucking collect mold. Let a year pass unnoticed. Begin to notice.

Figure that you should probably get married because you will have wasted a lot of time otherwise. Take her to dinner on the forty-fifth floor at a restaurant far beyond your means. Make sure there is a beautiful view of the city. Sheepishly ask a waiter to bring her a glass of champagne with a modest ring in it. When she notices, propose to her with all of the enthusiasm and sincerity you can muster. Do not be overly concerned if you feel your heart leap through a pane of sheet glass. For that matter, do not be overly concerned if you cannot feel it at all. If there is applause, let it stagnate. If she cries, smile as if you’ve never been happier. If she doesn't, smile all the same.

Let the years pass unnoticed. Get a career, not a job. Buy a house. Have two striking children. Try to raise them well. Fail frequently. Lapse into a bored indifference. Lapse into an indifferent sadness. Have a mid-life crisis. Grow old. Wonder at your lack of achievement. Feel sometimes contented, but mostly vacant and ethereal. Feel, during walks, as if you might never return or as if you might blow away on the wind. Contract a terminal illness. Die, but only after you observe that the girl who didn't read never made your heart oscillate with any significant passion, that no one will write the story of your lives, and that she will die, too, with only a mild and tempered regret that nothing ever came of her capacity to love.

Do those things, god damnit, because nothing sucks worse than a girl who reads. Do it, I say, because a life in purgatory is better than a life in hell. Do it, because a girl who reads possesses a vocabulary that can describe that amorphous discontent of a life unfulfilled—a vocabulary that parses the innate beauty of the world and makes it an accessible necessity instead of an alien wonder. A girl who reads lays claim to a vocabulary that distinguishes between the specious and soulless rhetoric of someone who cannot love her, and the inarticulate desperation of someone who loves her too much. A vocabulary, goddamnit, that makes my vacuous sophistry a cheap trick.

Do it, because a girl who reads understands syntax. Literature has taught her that moments of tenderness come in sporadic but knowable intervals. A girl who reads knows that life is not planar; she knows, and rightly demands, that the ebb comes along with the flow of disappointment. A girl who has read up on her syntax senses the irregular pauses—the hesitation of breath—endemic to a lie. A girl who reads perceives the difference between a parenthetical moment of anger and the entrenched habits of someone whose bitter cynicism will run on, run on well past any point of reason, or purpose, run on far after she has packed a suitcase and said a reluctant goodbye and she has decided that I am an ellipsis and not a period and run on and run on. Syntax that knows the rhythm and cadence of a life well lived.

Date a girl who doesn't read because the girl who reads knows the importance of plot. She can trace out the demarcations of a prologue and the sharp ridges of a climax. She feels them in her skin. The girl who reads will be patient with an intermission and expedite a denouement. But of all things, the girl who reads knows most the ineluctable significance of an end. She is comfortable with them. She has bid farewell to a thousand heroes with only a twinge of sadness.

Don’t date a girl who reads because girls who read are storytellers. You with the Joyce, you with the Nabokov, you with the Woolf. You there in the library, on the platform of the metro, you in the corner of the café, you in the window of your room. You, who make my life so goddamned difficult. The girl who reads has spun out the account of her life and it is bursting with meaning. She insists that her narratives are rich, her supporting cast colorful, and her typeface bold. You, the girl who reads, make me want to be everything that I am not. But I am weak and I will fail you, because you have dreamed, properly, of someone who is better than I am. You will not accept the life of which I spoke at the beginning of this piece. You will accept nothing less than passion, and perfection, and a life worthy of being told. So out with you, girl who reads. Take the next southbound train and take your Hemingway with you. Or, perhaps, stay and save my life.

- C. Warnke

Whoever you are C. Warnke, you deserve an applause. Thank you to my friend who knew that this would pull at my being-strings. It only makes me want to write better, and embrace being a reader.

A city that sleeps - Day 18

I woke up this morning to an unusual sense of quiet. The light filtering through my curtains was softer, grayer, silent. The sound of the traffic seemed to have been chased away by all the gray surrounding the suburbs. A soft mist had settled on the streets as if to stroke the city into obedience.

It was warm.  

Usually a gray day in Durban would mean pulling the duvet over ones head and faking some overcast sickness. But in Joburg, on my very first gray day, I needed to touch this quiet that felt so unusual. 

Salomons on and hood up I paced down the street. Big puffs of breath exhaled away from my body, as the sound of takkie on tar echoed in the street like an apocalyptic apology.

It was glorious. 

As I reached the park, the grass gave way to a soft push which was different from the frosty crunch I had been so used to. The trees lay almost petrified in their sleep, not daring to wake the airiness of the gray day. 

From the view of the park I can normally summon the city into my day, setting the tone of ambition I daily crave. But this was a different day, a Tuesday that refused to give me sight of anything five paces ahead. Tears of cold ran down my face, and my smile grew into an awkwardly, gallant giggle.

Who knew this sneaky city slept.  

Future steps - Day 17

A recent conversation with a friend got me thinking about my future. Your future. 

As human beings, human livings, human doings, we have this constant refresh button in our minds that recalculate after every step. When we move forward, where are we moving to? What's the next BIG experience that we are about to discover? It's all such scarily unknown territory but we move forward, towards it anyway.

My friend is in constant recalculation of his future. Every step he takes is in a positive direction, but then his mind stalls for that split second to reassure himself that, "Is this really the right direction I am moving forward to?". 

I blame this type of thinking on the over ambitious lives we lead. The constant media that shows us flashy things, driving us to be more accomplished. Unfiltered adverts of you WANT this, but at the next corner its no, you NEED this. Our upscale of thought is also generated by the company and conversations we surround ourselves in. 

I have now been in Joburg for two weeks and already the here, now, be in the moment thinking is fast forwarding to the next big thing. Yeah, sure I am here. Two feet on the ground behind a desk groomed with Social Media. Creating copy for every brand imaginable. Selling lifestyles, putting the choices in your wallet for your next grocery shop. But distantly future altering moments pop into my head - that age old question of, "Where to next?"

As far as I am concerned, there are only two choices that we have control of in our life: To do or to don't. 

Our future is governed not by our capabilities but by our will. I look at my friend who has all the capabilities in the world an a will as strong as the wind. But with any will it's about filtering out all of life's grabbing hands and thinking clearly about the next steps. Blinkering out the screaming crowd and focusing on the finish line and having the will to do so. 

My mini goal solution is the only way to feel like we have control of our forward moving steps. Little stepping stones of experiences and analyzing them at each goal post. It's impossible to full speed ahead without becoming fatigued and overwhelmed, and often we lose sight of the here and now behind the big rush. 

You know, life is funny in the way that it will pop up these thought provoking experiences just to make you come back down to earth and breath. Listen to these moments of life insight, or what I like to call, Life In Sight. If you have a million things you see yourself doing in your life, do them. Map out a life path, give yourself flags to collect at every stop. Only by seeing a tangible future (no matter how big or how small) you will find yourself there. 

Ideas for life mapping:

Write it down. 

Mark down what you see yourself doing right now. Look for the gaps of mini posts that you can squeeze the WANTS into. Little by little a perfectly mapped mini future will rise in front of you, one thing I can guarantee is that as soon as you see this shopping list in full tangibility, it'll start to take shape. That's a sneaky subconscious for you. 

Vision boards.

Some of us are visual creatures. Not text planners, lists can give some of us that hyperventilation sensation. Start with a simple reassessing of goals, values and dig deep into "if I could live life anyway I could, without the monitory stress, how would I live?". Dig out those magazines and grab at pictures and words that make you feel like you, that give you that rush of an open window before a storm. Place them on a board and feel your subconscious respond to a life you have just created. Look at it everyday and soon enough, well, you'll see. 

I think that the bottom line is, stop being so frustrated with the thought of your future. It hasn't happened yet. And I bet, Future you is going to be pretty stoked how it all turned out. 

For more information about vision board classes go to: Heilahealth. co.za to book a class. It's really quite a fun way to spend a morning. 

Oh you are going to enjoy this - Day 16

I don't even know where to start.

First of all I am grateful for leaving my charger at the office over the weekend, because if I had written a blog post yesterday it would have been filled with butterflies, unicorns and sparkly pieces of my favourite emotions/emoticons. Because that's what successful dates do to a girl.

Oh my God.

This morning I walk into the office to a very happy looking colleague. I was equally pumped up on date endorphins, so entertaining anyone on my cloud nine was a must.

Monday had started off very well! *Let's all clap hands together!*

Me: "Heeeeey! Sooooo how was your weekend?"
Colleague: "It was great thanks, met this guy on Friday night and seemed to really hit it off. Saw him again yesterday for coffee - He seems like a really nice guy, BUT there is something that I can quite put my finger on."
Me: "That's awesome, I am sure it was just date jitters.. Sooo, funnily enough I also went on a date yesterday. Was a really fun arvi, haven't had such good convo like that in a while. And will probably see him again this week. Fuck FINALLY my bad luck is ending!"
Colleague: "haha, well apparently this guy knows half or our company and comes here often so I am sure you'll get to meet him."
Me: *Trying to hide a shocked face* "Um, what's his name?"
Colleague: "Name."
Me: " Oh. My. God. You said you saw him when? Yesterday??"
Colleague: "Yeah we went for coffee at 2.30pm in Parkhurst"
Me: "So you were his 2.30pm and I was his 4pm. IN Parkhurst! Not even in a different suburb, the same suburb, fuck, the SAME street. Areyoueffingkiddingme. Unbelievable"
Colleague: " OH MY GOD."

Now guys, like yes, YOU men, mean, men species. C'mon. Surely if you know both the girls you decided to entertain and you KNOW that they sit next to each other in the same office, and that they WILL talk - you would like to be a bit less obvious? Eyydunno.. Just a suggestion? Perhaps I have this all screwed up, and that maybe you suffered from some sort of memory loss walking from one restaurant to the other. Who the fuck knows, you are a royal idiot.

Now I have always had this agreement that you are allowed to date numerous people at the same time (See: Date, NOT bang!). Hey, single life is hard enough and you should never put all your eggs in one basket until those eggs are delivered to your door with a big heart shaped bow. Hek, I have a date tomorrow with a different guy, doesn't mean I am a playa. I am just enjoying new city life with new people. So this would be ok. But what's not okay is that, if you generally know that two girls are friends, they work together, let alone sit next to each other, WHY on EARTH would you be such a stupid dick? Look, I admire the "Playa" game, there are some real winners out there that get it right. But this is just plain stupidity. You are letting your 'playa' club down man.

The bottom line is, excuse me for fixating on this one area, but OBVIOUSLY two FRIENDS are going to talk, and you, Mr shit-where-you-eat, have to walk into our offices and see both of us - what do you think is going to transpire? I just don't get it?

I think overall I am just generally really disappointed that I had this, '*Air punch!* Successful date in the bag!' champion moment. When I should have just said, "Up your ziggy with a wawa brush".

Cupid, you son-of-a-bitch.

10 things lazy Friday - Day 15

Some of the things I have learnt this week… Drum roll please!

1. The weeks FLY by. Can't believe I have been in Joburg for 1 week and 2 days. Another weekend to explore the citaaaay!

2. Putting your heart on the line is actually an incredibly liberating experience - clarity aids in a stable mind.

3. My office is amazing. I have made 2 new friends that are just hilarious, and discovered a VERY cute English boy… mmm…

4. Making friends is quite hard - but it's actually me. People here are so friendly and try engage often. I just need to stop being so damn shy! Wow. *Slaps me around like an Oxford Road hooker*

5. Joburg is a BEAUTIFUL city. My morning runs have become a religion, so many trees and pretty scenes. The thinner air has me at a vomit point everyday, but if I just keep going my rhythm comes back.

6. Warm feet = warm everything

7. Never leave work before 5.30pm. My drive will be swift (haha I drive a Suzuki Swift - personal joke, mm ok just me then?) and traffic free. Proving JHB wrong one 30 mins at a time.

8. This city eats money. No idea where it goes to, sigh. I just want new shooooooes!

9. As much as I thought I would hate an office job, the content I get to work on is so much fun and so creative that I actually like going to work. Who would have thought.

10. Friday just means, WTF am I going to do tonight without any friends?

WTF Wednesday - Day 14

Some days are good days other days are just, days. Then you get those days that are so freaking up and down that you can't help but giggle as your head hits the pillow.

Yesterday, you gloriously emotional bastard.

My last post was about me, (as if you hadn't figured it out) and my latest crush. Me taking a chance at something. The imagery of a dog leaping and bounding as it welcomes home it's owner describes what was going through my mind. Happy thoughts like the Sound of Music and The Little Mermaid singing in her cave… Happy, happy thoughts.

Yoh, guys, word of advice. Don't build anything up, EVER. Because unfortunately that delight of owning up my heart, was quickly brought down to earth by the, FRIEND card.

Ohhh. Burn.

Yes, yes, you are allowed to have a good giggle.

But wait, there is more…

So after I received my email of rejection. (Just kidding Email Sender, it was put wittingly well), I drove home feeling extremely homesick and missing my friends. I needed a bottle of wine to console my aching heart… (okay, okay enough now it wasn't so bad - *whale sobs!*).
As I reached the first set of lights the traffic started. Holy chicken feet, for as far as I could see up Rivonia Drive it was piled. Urg, just what I needed - my bottle of wine so close but so, so far. It took me an hour to get home for a normal 20 minute drive. Dis-gusting.

Given that hour in the traffic, the radio soothed my broken heart by playing every single fucking love song from the 90s. Hi, Mariah, yeah I know a hero will never come along, thanks Whitney but he doesn't always love me, and no R.Kelly there won't be any Bump 'N Grind but thanks for rubbing it in though. As you can imagine, when I swung open my flat door to see my bottle of wine consumed from the night before it was, "Tragedy".

Ahh but yes, a few minutes from pointing at my bottle of wine and shouting "why! WHHHY!" my lovely Flattie walked in and promptly whisked me away to our favourite greek restaurant up the road. Yes, there was wine and yes, there was talk of off loading about stupid boys but it all soothed down to giggles about real life shit. Until this happened.

So I am not one to dwell on ex's, what's done is done and the heart pains but you get over it and swim back to the surface feeling more alive and more truer you than ever. But, when the love of your life, now married love of your life walks into the same restaurant as you after 3 years, glances your way and doesn't recognize you. Daily dears, you have two choices: 1. You steer your shocked face in an opposite direction and stare frightfully into your wine Or 2. Shout his name, smile, get up and fake a "Oh my gosh it's sooo good to see you" adult voice that really couldn't give a flying duck.

What option did I go for? Option number two. Seriously after THIS day, my shocked face turned into a 'What the fuck, seriously, universe are you effing kidding me, this is not happening' kind of face. Yes, it's the face that you get when you're pretending not to wee in a pool.

It went well, it was awkwaaard, but it ended in a smooth exit from him with the last words, "We should totally have drinks soon." and me nodding my head in a agreement, shouting inward, "not a fuck".

Overall, to wrap it up. I will be very happy to never see another Wednesday like that again.

ps. Thursday has been amazing. Oh and I got to see the real life Jake Gyllenhaal.

Booya!

You know what I am talking about. - Day 13

You control your own happiness.

But then along comes someone that flips it on it's side and completely messes with your mind.
It's been a fascinating day, a lot of deep thoughts and finding myself in equally deep conversations. For a Monday it sure has shown what it thinks of the rest of the week. Middle finger up.

First of all, let's get this straight. Men and woman think differently. Why? Because they ARE different. There is no simpler way to describe it. Trying to figure out why a man acts in a certain way is just going to waste your thought space. If he digs you, he'll show you. If he wants to talk to you, he'll talk to you. And if he wants to get into your pants, by God he will find a way.

Yes, from a female point of view it's a selfish action.

And, no, most probably, you won't have a say.

Then there are those, oh Jesus, there are those that well, are different. The 'I don't play by the rules' Mike. Their rules, are goals, no woman nor invitation of romance can step on this guys path to greatness. Of course you want to date him, just look at him. Successful, head strong, caring, knows what he want's type of guy. But you, fearless female are not on his goal posts. This type of guy will lead you straight down a path to confusion-ville. Why? Because he is the nice guy, he really is quite oblivious to your intentions and will play that friend card so well you will feel like you are half way there.

I try not to play games, it's not in 'my' rule book. I've lead a very happy single life for almost 2 years, found great friendships with guys and well become, to my shocked face realization, the girl friend, girl. I am sorry, but this is NOT who I am, of course I want a relationship? Just because I am 100% happy with being Jemma, doesn't mean that Dr Dashing can't claim a shelf.

I am a great believer in manifestation. I put my order in 'upstairs' and most of the time I get what I want. This time however my MAN-ifestation is in front of me, so ridiculously tangible yet unattainable. Is this my fault? Have I been handing out this friend card in fear of something real happening? I think any girl reading this knows exactly how I feel, one step out of the comfort zone and it's all yes, YES or the probability of a no. Fucking hell.

So then I circle back to the men and women are different. Men, not so much the Michelangelo thinker. Women, scenarios of circumstances that are enough to drive us crazy. But it's our own fault. We string along a pleasurable fantasy completely oblivious to the opposite sex, in fear of living a pleasurable reality. Where really we should MAN up and say, "I dig you, wanna date?".

Weekend round up - Day 12

It's been a really emotionally, all over the place, weekend. This moving city business has finally sunk in and well it's had big ups and downs on my little feelings box.

Friday night was the first night I felt truly alone. It's hard not having my normal routine of phoning my friends and catching up over a bottle of vino. It's also hard putting in a lot of effort to make new friends. Let's just say I lasted a whole hour in one of my favourite venues and decidedly put down my wine and drove home. Thankfully my pity party came to the rescue and invited me to hangout with a familiar face. Thank you.

My last thought before bed - I just want it to be tomorrow so I can start again.

Then Saturday happened, and along with it some BIG smiles. I explored (almost) every hip inch of Johannesburg, sifting through Neighbourgoods Market, Maboneng Precinct, Mellville and some other secondhand shop gemburbs (my word for a suburb full of little gems). And to put the cherry op top an invite to the best view of the city, an SABC broadcast at the crown of the Lister Building. I mean, like seriously? Durbs, I love you but Johannesburg's culture is on a completely different and seriously cool level.

My last thought before bed - I may just be able to do this.

Onwards today, Sunday to an early rise. My DIY day. I woke up last night to the sounds of 3am. Quiet, but my head was swimming in to do lists, hopes, frustrations and back to that feeling of, alone. Then somewhere in my Newsfeed a little glimmer of hope flashed in front of my eyes. A new app! Telmap. One of my frustrations was not knowing where my closest conveniences lay, Jozi is big. When someone here says that something is close, it's not Durban close as in a hop skip and a stroll away. You gotta drive, and like navigate your little heart out in hope that, that tall building will stay in front of you, it never does.
Anyways, back to the app, it takes your current location and lets you punch in what you are looking for, easy peezy pie. Nearest Builders Express? Oh only 1,3kms away! Winning!
One of my biggest rules of moving to a new city (to be expanded in another post) is to know where your nearest Builders Express is, amongst other need to knows that get you by. This little app, what a beaut and so easy to navigate! Download it now! Seriously, now.

So as my morning commenced to a much warmer highveld day, I gathered my walkabout friend at the corner and strolled through my suburb enroute to a gloriously huge park that overlooked the south side of the city. We chatted away and after much exhalation of worry, I was ready to tackle hardware heaven.

Hardware heaven, I mean isn't there anything more awesome? Pantone, paints, piles of wood, and creativity! There is so much to say about DIY and what the feeling of walking around a builders paradise does to me. My mind literally goes into Pinterest overdrive.
I gathered my goods and set off home, sans GPS and made it all the way back like a pro. If it wasn't for my out of towner number plate I could've been one of you Jolsburgers! Believe that.

Upon home arrival, Flattie (my flat mate) and her bf were cooking up a storm for Sunday lunch. Now when I say this Daily Dears, that I haven't experienced a normal Sunday afternoon food frenzy such as this, I mean it. Like it was the most natural habit in the universe to be DIYing, chatting away and nibbling on, erase that - sitting down at the table having grown up conversations, eating grown up food in our soon to be uber stylish flat. It fills my heart with joy.

Right now, my last thought before bed - This is called home.

Fashion crisis - Day 11

One day in Joburg and I have hit fashion crisis mode.

I regard myself as a well dressed human, but being slightly adventurous in Durban one would think so too. Unfortunately right now, I need an actual look - which I feel I am failing at miserably.  My cupboard feels like a schizophrenic on acid. So many colours and random bits of cloth - nothing quite saying "this is my wardrobe". It's a disaster.

My friend and I were having this debate about women's versus men's fashion and how men have taken over on the variety shelf. Ladies merchandise is feeling very carbon copy. Every store calling out the same message. And the only ones that are pulling it off are late teens with 12 year old bodies.

I am not a stick. I have curves and my bum will never be as tiny as I would like. But when I try on some of these mod fashion items I feel like mutton. The look I am going for in my mind screams lamb, a hot sexy piece of lamb, alas the cut doesn't quite fit.

It's winter sale season. Normally I would be the first one rushing to the bins grabbing anything on 70% discount, but now I have to think about things in a more, rational fashion.

Perhaps I should hire a stylist? Then that even seems like a waste of effort as I am a professionally trained one. Dressing models for glossy pages is my background so why, oh WHY can't I seem to figure myself out?

I know what you're thinking - no, Pinterest doesn't help. Yes, it gathers my ideas into one fitted board, but the majority of my fun comes from men's fashion. Creating Mr Ken doll into a well dressed, dapper dude. I am bored of who I am and finding an alternative canvas to play on fuels my inner fashion creative...

*Long pause as I disappear into train of mood board thoughts.

Right that's it, I may have just typed my way into a decision. Monochrome, simple and stylish. Black on black, grey and white. Lips for colour and I NEED to get a haircut.

Well, that was quite easy.




Ps. This is me sincerely apologizing for not posting yesterday - no excuse other than Joburg just got away with me. Man this place, this place is FUN!

Hi Joburg! - Day 10

Today has been great day. 

I am lying in my bed after a good few glasses of Wolftrap (Ps. Chere! She has such good taste!) and can quite happily say that my flat mate is a brunette extension of me. 

But let's rewind. 

This morning when I left my trusty old comfort zone for the last time, I had no expectations of the day ahead. The sky was grey and the roads were quiet but that didn't dampen the comedy show that trailed me well into the Freestate. My friends, my darling friends and our new found fun for video messaging. I don't know what I would have done without your retarded on screen skills. Between the giggles and hourly updates, you kept my spirits high on that lonely drive. And when the signal dropped, well, I dropped a few ballads into the sing along box. Oh girl, my high notes are high! 

It's one thing taking a drive into an unchartered adventure but another when the journey has a full stop to a new life. A permeant new life. And somehow it never did quite kick in until I rose over that last hill and saw my future ahead of me. Glistening, steel structures beaconing me with a sun ray wink. Once a quiet road into the known became a hustle of 'get tos' and freeways vaaing left and swinging right. My composed nature turned into a million runaway thoughts. My palms grew sweaty and I was convinced that my GPS was trying to get me lost ( and if it wasn't for an advising word) it would have completely skrewed me over. But then I found familiarity and settled into the notion of, I am here. I am finally here. 

How does one explain that moment of meeting someone for the first time? I sat waiting for her to arrive home from work for what felt like an hour. Replaying conversations I once had to previous first encounters, that sealed the deal. But this wasn't some first date floozie or job interview, this was my new flat mate. I needed to me, a better version of me. Was my outfit trendy enough, or was I too over dressed? I want her to think I am relaxed, but not lazy, sophisticated but not snobby.

She walks in. 

Hi Joburg, let's be friends. 

Bye! - Day 9

So this is it hey guys.

I can't actually believe it's here, after months of planning and weeks of moving the date, tomorrow finally arrives.

I always thought my last night in Durban would be tearing what's left of her tread - annihilating her soul and leaving my name as a 'just in case you forget me' souvenir. But sadly I am way to exhausted and quite frankly over the moving game to care. Instead I went to my favourite restaurant with my two favourite people. Mom and Dad.

I must say I am looking forward to the 6 hours of Jemma time. Just me and whatever sing along sound track is going to come my way. I am going to belt those tunes past Pietermaritzburg, throw a finger at a lonely cow in Escort, toot my way up Van Reenen's Pass, grab a coffee in Harrismith and speed past De Waal into the sexy smog that is Johannesburg. All with my mom in tow. You're jealous aren't you?

I am waiting for the realization of this big change to filter into my mind and say, "Hey Chick, you know this is kinda happening in a far out way?" As for now, it has sunken in as far as polystyrene on water.

Sleep.

A blended red is always a party pooper, so I am just going to leave you with this...

The manager at my favourite restaurant kinda adores me, as my mum puts it blankly, "He loves you." Anyways, many a time I have found his number on my bill and many a times I havn't called. For obvious reasons as I am moving and well, I don't shit where I eat. So as I am about to depart my favourite grazing ground, I call to him to say goodbye and quietly mention to him that I am moving to Johannesburg tomorrow. What's to follow in his beautifully home grown Irish accent are three words that describe everything I am about to do. Perfectly.

"Oh, fuck off."

You are going to be just fine - Day 8

This is my honest voice. My arm around you giving you that squeeze you deserve. I am here to tell you that you make me so proud.

To my single mom,  the day you told me I was afriad for you, in my mind it was too soon, you hadn't finished being a reckless 20-something with me, we had so many nights and hangovers to deal with. I wasn't ready for you to leave my single side. But you had found love. Today a year later I see this person I have never met before. She is brave and responsible and takes motherhood in her stride. It's not easy for you, but babe you make it work. I remember when we were kids and you used me as your scape goat - your yard was full of milkshake and your dad knew it! Then I see this woman holding this bundle of joy, a creation made by you babe. It fills me with awe, love and light.

You are going to be just fine.

To my sister, it's been 17 years of family friendship. Remind me how we lasted this long? Oh the sea by the house. My second home filled with family and love. You too are a mom after my own heart, so brave and fearless. Your mind is incredible and your boldness bowls me over - you've become your own woman, you don't give a shit about the world but somehow do it your own way that does. Christmas will always be our day, you know wherever I am in the world I'll come home. If I could leave you with one thing it would be this: open your heart. Love is waiting for you, it's scary and hell, it's crazy but it will complete you. Let it in, be honest and kind. You don't always need to be so tough.

You are going to be just fine.

To my nesquick, 20 years of laughs and our life hasn't even begun. You are the most honest person in the world. It's been so many years of sharing secrets and sad moments. You know me better than I even know myself, when we are together, which is sadly seldom these days, you make me laugh until I pee. You've seen me at my darkest hour and yet in the most brutally, honest way possible tell me to get a life and move on. You my friend, have taught me the most about life, when something doesn't go your way smile until it passes. Or just show it the finger and run.

You are going to be just fine.

To my mentor, this is probably the hardest bit to write as you have had the biggest impact on my life. I can't say much more than I have already told you, cried to you, sat on a balcony and wined to you. Doll, you rock my party shoes off, literally! Our bond is unbreakable, (unless you try break it and then I might break you *winkyface*) our bond is like trance in Kai, it just goes, on and on and on. Yeah ok, so like…

You are going to be just fine.

To my once upon a time friend,  dude, what the hell happened? Are we just allowed to be distant and not talk? You and I have conquered the world together - sussed out every inch of a universal mind and shared a love for creativity like no other friends. You let a good thing go man, I am disappointed in you. It never had to be like this - unless you needed it to be. In that case I have some things to tell you: Get a grip of your life and spread those wings. You are far too talented and strong minded for this little town. Let go and go find a life you want to live. Other than that,

I guess you are going to be just fine.

To myself, this is a bit scary. You are leaving behind a lot of comforting thoughts and reliable habits. Sunday lie ins with your best friends are going to have to be put on hold for a while. Your social life is going to be tough, non of this walking into a place and knowing you'll see a familiar face. This is starting from the beginning again. I just want you to know that the grass isn't greener, it's exactly the same. You'll have to work hard at life this time, and eventually the grass will start to grow. No depending on others for happiness, or your mum for a sneaky buck. It's time to explore and increase that potential. You have so much to offer, believe in yourself and you'll see.

You are going to be just fine.