Dear Me,
Sorry I have forgotten about you for so long. The thing is, I think about you everyday but the words I have to say to you are hard for me to admit, a space I've grown through that needs a final exhale.
They never tell you that moving to a new city has very HIGH, highs and super duper lows. They also don't tell you that even though you are a super, independent woman you will dream about having a special someone to share your morning finds and afternoon affirmations with. They say things like,
"He is out there somewhere, you just need to be patient."
But I don't quite know where to find this somewhere where this someone is waiting for me. I am patient. ish. But what about right now? Is he standing at that somewhere just waiting? Or has he given up and settled for that second best?
I recently found myself in a place with a human, that wasn't me. It definitely wasn't that somewhere, that they speak of. He was a second best. And he made me feel like second best. Easily attainable for the smell of settling. Under the covers it was a glimpse of happiness I haven't felt in a while but resurfacing it made me feel used and uncertain of me. Affection was only found at the bottom of a beer bottle. It wasn't normal, nor nice. It became an obligation. It was unfair to expect someone to fuel my happiness. As much as he wasn't able to fuel his own, I was the one who came out bruised and hurt.
People are not what they seem. People will do whatever it takes to feed their own desires, including using people as play things. I am guilty of such things. People as play things, it's honestly a terrible thought. Puppeteering emotions to taunt your joy button. I think you can tell if someone is unhappy by the way they share a life. I feel so stupid for letting him in.
He got the best of me and I was saving that for someone else.
There is a line I hear him say over and over in my head, sometimes I have to say it out loud to know that it's real. And that someone who shared my life with me could even say these things about me, the exterior of me. It's selfish and unfair.
" Jemma is not physically attractive."
My rant could go on, but I am done with him. I am done with the dirt he made me feel. I guess the most horrible thought I could imagine saying to him would be that he doesn't deserve happiness. Not until he finds it in himself. The truth is he doesn't deserve to be told either. His projection of me is up to him, but the BUT is, that if you feel like that towards someone you are with, you shouldn't be with them. Whatever your intention.
I look at the relationships around me and I see light. I see gentlemen behaving like gentle humans towards their other halves. This is how it is supposed to be. So, I will wait, I will wait in my own somewhere for that someone. Everyone deserves a version of their own fairytales.
I said to a dear friend the other day that has found herself in an incompatible union,
"We dream of unicorns, those are the highest values we want in our lives, but on earth there are ponies, and they're pretty much the same thing."
I know this is just another check point in my life to a better me. So with one final breath of yet another bad human experience, I breath it all out and finally let him go.
All my love,
Me
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