Challenging 20s - Day 104

I am battling with a tug of war between my current reality and the vision of where I should be. The feeling of another year closing and not having done something 'BIG' is filling me with so much pressure.

Every time I think that my 26th year on this planet is nearing it's 27th, I stiffen up. I go into a panic and question everything that I stand for.
Am I proud at what I have become?
Have I done my best to progress into what I ultimately want out of life?
Is my definition of success on a higher platform than I can ultimately achieve?
And will climbing the ladder to get there be more stress than reward?

I know I chase change and challenge everything I do in fear of coasting. A friend once said to me after I had mentioned that I was leaving yet another job, "Oh that's right you've been there a year - must be time for you to move on." I hadn't really seen the pattern until I looked back on my last 3 years, yep there it was. A timeline of change.

Comfort has always filled me with uncertainty. I have lived on a constant "what's next?" for years. Challenging a change, whether it's a hair colour, a bedroom makeover, a city move or a break up. Maybe it's a commitment thing. A fear of getting too close, too attached to any said thing that it will result in disappointment.

Yes, I am in my 20s and as everyone has said, "you are still so young there is time for that". But why wait until I am "of age" before I become anything? Why are our 20s so jaded with "there is time" that by the time we are 32 we feel like we have run out? I don't agree. I think that whatever I am meant to be, be it now or when I am 32 is up to me to make that happen.

Our twenties are so full of pressure to get a degree, find a profession, move up that ladder, buckle down and SETTLE on that ever after. Do we forget about the now? That our time to travel is either when we take a gap year or when we earn enough to reward ourselves for that 'break'.

I don't want to be that thirty something that wakes up one day, packs a bag and heads for the furthest direction away from 'completion' possible. I want to wake up and know that what I have done, what I have accomplished is, enough.

Daily dears, for the sake of blaming, I blame Joburg. A city so forced in accomplishment, happiness becomes only a weekend thing. It's challenged my thoughts and challenged my goals.

So all I can say is, "Challenge Accepted."