It's a 3-Way

There is one rule I have for a relationship.

THE RULE#

Never be a third of a relationship

In these days of BBM and WhatsApp it is so easy to get hold of people, throw a comment out into the air at any whip of the tongue, make a friend, break a friend, you get the drift. And what comes with this is, it has not become immoral to add your girlfriend’s boyfriend, your bro’s ho, your toy boy’s mama bear or your sister’s shag to your contacts. You are just widening your friendship circle right? Oh no you are not. You are being a nosey, brown nose parker.

What is this situation that I find myself making up such a rule?

 The Situation:

I have a friend who is dating this great guy but to be honest they both quite useless at the whole relationship thing. Next minute I get a request on the BBM, it is her bf. Now morally I am going, hells no! I don’t want to be the middleman. But curiosity is saying… mmm, Accept! Now I just entered myself into a whirlwind of backwards and forwards, what did he say, what did she say, what do I do in this situation, does she love me etc. etc. etc. bla bla bla. Pull hair out. Throw phone out window. Pick it up and carry on.. “Dear Tom, She loves you, you are just being too needy and she wants some space… “.

What feelings am I left with? I feel like I am cheating on my friend.

Why is it easier to come to me rather than to go to her when times are of unstable ground? Am I the cop out of some heated argument that they would rather bypass? If so, grow some balls Chickitas and Manginas! All the information you want to know about each other is right on the other end of the phone, across the street and in your face.

Ask them what’s wrong, not me. I love you but honestly, I don’t care about your personal relationship issues. No one should. Just you.

End of story.

Rubber Band Theory

What is this rubber band theory? The ‘let me go so I come running back’ scenario. I don’t think I like it much. Especially when it was used on me, or currently is at this very moment. No I will not chase after you. I don’t do that, do I?

So to explain the Rubber Band Theory is supposed to work in blossoming relationships. To keep him interested and wanting more:

Act one, scene one

Girl and boy having been seeing each other, it is going quite well until boy gets a little scared (no other explanation other than this) and stops seeing girl. Girl gets confused and boy is left with 17000 miss calls on his mobile. Girl thinks this over and tries a different approach. Girl sits back and waits. No more calls to boy, boy must do, as he wants.

Now boy gets confused and realises that he does like this girl and why has she not phoned him in 24 hours, he thinks this is mighty strange. So boy calls girl, girl ignores call, boy is left scratching his head.

“I thought this girl was into me”, he ponders. Still scratching his head he comes up with a plan. Light bulb! He’s got it!

Boy goes over to girls house with flowers, knocks on girl’s door to find that she is not home. Now boy really wants to see girl.

So boy digs deep down into his emergency box for romantic ideas. The box is full of dust and boy has forgotten how to use it. Eventually after much effort he slips it open and to his surprise…

Surprise!

…there are a lot of romantic ideas in there, why did he not think of this before?

So, boy finds girl, takes girl on romantic dinner and tells her that he was stupid and that they really belong with each other.

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Guys, you are masters of the Rubber Band Theory. This is not because you know of this theory, you are just too busy living life to let a chick come in and smother it.

Us girls, we hate this by the way. We want you to smother and tell us that you love us. Not pretend that you don’t care. (Even though we know you just don’t know any better). So when you actually do it on purpose, it fucks us off. Sorry but that is the way it is. We are the ones coming up with silly scenarios that work on you, not the other way around.

Please go back to kicking your ball and let us do the ignoring. We are the complicated creatures not you simple-minded fools.

Thank you.

Make Me a Metro-Man

So what attracts a woman to a man these days? His smiling blue eyes? A hint of ‘I work out’ rippling out of his t-shirt? It seems none of the above are even making headway with woman these days. With society screaming “How to look good naked”, “How do I look” and even “Extreme Makeover, Home edition” it is easy to see how woman are starting to indulge into their, as you would call it, little ‘projects’. Welcome to the decade of, “Wow, He’s got potential!”

I have a friend that swears by making use with what you have, and as she puts it, there are far too many plain James’ out there that need a little attention. So what does she do, date to decorate.

Women are independent creatures, in the work place, home and even in the dating scene. As much as men hate to see this happen, hello boys, we can even change a tyre without your help. So it is no wonder such games of ‘dressing him up in your wardrobe’ are fast becoming a trend. (This doesn’t apply to all your Metrosexual men out there, not even ‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’ can’t touch those pedi’s!).

So I’ll never forget the day I met my friends ‘mediocre man’. He was good looking but there was plenty room for improvement. His t-shirt looked like it had been stolen off Led Zeppelin’s tour bus and his shaggy blonde hair stuck to his face like he had just run a marathon. Not even the 16 year old me would have brought that back to my parents, but yes, there was something sexy about him.

A year later I bumped into her again, this time a different mediocre man by her side. Asking what happen to number one. She tapped open her Blackberry and gushed as she showed me the now married, Hunk-asourus. Chiselled abs (which apparently were there silently living under Mr zeppelin’s shirt all along), neatly cut hair and boy oh boy, a completely different man. Asking why it didn’t work out between them, she honestly confessed, “There was nothing left for me to fix”.

Fashion is an ever evolving, completely irritating superficial aspect of life, yet we cannot live without it. It is not that women are creating mini models of Tom Ford to wear as accessories but just taking what looks good and updating his look – it is not called arm candy for nothing. With the right t-shirt, fitted jeans and a little work on his hair any man can be made to look more visually stimulating. It is not about changing him completely but making sure the package (yes, girls even the ‘package’) looks good.

So where does this start to get messy? Women by nature are emotional movers. For example, just as Weatherly’s receives their new spring range our living room gets a makeover, you get dumped and you go into interior overhaul. We like to know that we can still control some aspect of our life. But how do you instill control if you are messing with matters of the heart? – The unspoken emotional attachment between men and women could be the difference between your Gucci and Graham.

Relationship Status!

So when you meet a guy and fall in lustville love your mind goes into possible relationship material mode, the first opportunity we get to tell the world is, well, Status update!! Facebook. Not even our mums get the phone call of honour to say that you have now found another hunkasourus to add to the list of gene pool possible’s.

I don’t know what it is about sharing with the world that your now ‘Single’ status is going to be magically transferred into ‘In a relationship with’ with one click of a button and made ‘Top News’ on yours and millions of other’s Home pages. What are these feelings? A little bit of spite to your long time crush, that now you are taken? A message to that ‘other’ woman that keeps writing on his Wall? An overwhelming feeling of joy that now you will probably get more Wall action since your birthday? If one of these or all of the above hits that ‘I am guilty’ spot, then you are not alone.

During your text’allating relationship between you, him and Facebook, little love message float to and from your Wall’s. Just keeping tabs on all those beady eyes that you know will snatch him up in a sec when that Single button is pressed. Or is it that we just want to reassure the world that yes, we still are in a relationship and look how happy we are.

The meaning of Social media is not to make your life easier it is to ensure that you make everyone else’s. Your relationship is not judged between you and him, but with everyone that sits and watches. Why should someone bother to flirt when you come online if he knows you taken? That little Relationship tab is there for his convenience, not yours. Men don’t even ask for your number anymore, Full name please. That way they know exactly what type of person you are. Convenience.

So what happens when you break up? Oh heartache! That’s what it is. Do you know what Facebook tells you when you change your status to Single? “Your Relationship with *his name here* will be cancelled upon saving” Seriously?! Thanks Facebook for being to courteous to my broken heart! It doesn’t even give you the option of ‘*his name here* broke up with *my name here*’. It just simply states with its little red heart ‘you are now single’. Convenient? Not when you know have to tell the world what happened, who did who, bla bla bla. And you know what is even worse is that you get to sit and watch all HIS Facebook vultures; ‘Shame’ and ‘ahh, sorry’ and ‘I’ll be there for you’ while you sit in a puddle of your own woeful words.

Anyways, after we go through yet another break up we vow to never let another relationship be posted for someone else’s enjoyment. Pity we are all Facebook addicts and our relationships are an open book for everyone’s enjoyment. That reminds me, I am going on a date tonight – Status update!

The "OH SHIT" Moment

So I have given up using the word love.

It gets you into trouble and generally tricks your mind into actually feeling it. I have loved. I have loved in many different ways. I think the worst kind of love is obligated love – the kind you just say for the sake of saying. Not to let the other person down or thinking that it is love, an over bearing sensation of lust.

The best kind of love is unexpected love. At the end of a telephone conversation that just pops out "love you", or at a surprised gift "oh my god I love you". Doesn’t it always seem these unexpected ‘loves’ are all said to the wrong person. A crush that did something out of the kindness of his own heart(not because he loves you, or that you would want him to know you love him), or the guy friend you not that interested in. This I like to call ‘blind love’, you know the kind that makes you think ‘oh how blind’.

So with that feeling of ‘how blind’, lets talk how blind I am and how ‘in like’ my blindness is. Have you ever ‘liked’ someone without knowing it and suddenly this thought daunts on you and you are like ‘oh my god, I like him. No, I really, really like him. This is terrible!’. A ‘like’ that could never work but just seems to, work. I am astounded to have found myself in this situation.

One week after a break up and I am in deep, ‘like’. Call it shit if you will, but this feeling has the same comparison to that. So this person. This person that was nobody to me has turned into a somebody. From a Hi Tek takkie to a 5 All star. Do you think this happens often? That a nobody that sits in the corner to be regarded as a wall flower can come out to actually be that somebody that you really, really like? I don’t want to make him seem like a dork, and by a nobody I mean an untouchable – the type of person you would never think to really notice for the sake of your present somebody to notice you noticing that nobody. You see it is even that complicated in my mind, even if I were using names it would be just as complicated.

This is school book ‘like’. A silly infatuation that, will not go away! So quick out a ‘grown up’ relationship and I am already feeling those ill feelings of: does he like me? Do I tell him? Do I wait? Has he even noticed me like that? Or as a friend always said to me, “give it time and that too shall pass”. URGGGH!!! Two glasses of wine and Eat.Pray.Love shall do this to you. I need help.

Date, Date, Date...

When I look back at relationships I have had, (too many diamonds to fit on ten fingers) the part that really makes me nostalgic to date again are those first two weeks of bliss. I have never been on a honeymoon but I can tell you that if a honeymoon feels as good as another ‘cant wait to see him again’ moment, I would like to be a newlywed every weekend. So I cant exactly vouch for the saying ‘honeymoon period’ but god I hope I get to go on one all year long.

There is a feeling of meeting your soul mate, first summer fling or just a random bar pick up to send you into the spiral of ‘ will he, wont he call again’. This feeling of waiting, watching your phone, keeping it on full charge and just calling a friend just to let you know that your phone still works, that keeps us wanting more. You know that you probably will still feel that pang of a slight chip off the heart if he doesn’t call after two days ( when we all well know that the three day rule is firmly in place). But still we wait. We wait for the inevitable, heartbreak moment. As being woman and as much as society has said, he probably wont call.
So what do we do? Just as any equestrian or alcoholic would say, get back on that horse and order another drink.

The more you date the less you feel like the whole phone call thing really matters. Which if you, like me dated the earth and all its lovely specimens then you would know why. Feelings tend to soften and fun and flirty replaces the novice: check-that-my-pout-still-works-in-its-glossy-Mac. You tend to start enjoying every moment with its up and downs, Mr Price Jeans or Diamante encrusted Guess Tees. You actually start seeing men as people. (Wow I actually said that?) So eventually amongst all these ‘people’ you start to discover who or what your Person should be.

So how do you know if you don’t try? There are still always going to be those butterflies for the next date but imagine taking home a butterfly that never flies away? As the saying goes it is better to have loved and lost than to never love at all. This is what keeps me going… and my little Dating shoes of course.

You Are Not In Highschool Anymore

Have you ever noticed that the older you get the less fun relationships are?

When you are young you cant drive, you don’t have a bank account with things to pay off. You get pocket money and can basically live a stress free life. Regarded school exams aren’t around the corner. Relationships become your weekends and without even knowing it you can fall effortlessly in love. All you know is the fun and romance and when it comes down to making the decisions, which movie to see is the toughest one you have to make.

So when did the ease and free flowing love intercept us and replace those feelings with responsibility? When did talking till three in the morning become a hushed “where are you going?” when I take the dog out? And when did that accidental boob graze that got us so hot and bothered get replaced with “ I’ve got a headache?” It seems as though we have tainted our own desires and the effort to grow up so fast has left us with gaps in our relationships.

My advice to myself, and to anyone that will listen, is taking it slow. Enjoy the honeymoon phase and if you respect your relationship as much as your happiness to be in a relationship you could see that honeymoon phase last. Being in love and sharing your life with another person is probably the most amazing gift that could be given to anyone. Appreciate every bit. Take days off to forget those payments, your ugly boss and go have a “ to be sixteen again day”. Hold hands, go watch a movie, hey find a playground and jump in a sandpit. Only through true happiness you will find your true self. Remember that guy that you first met, that blew you away with his smile? He is still there.

A Serious Topic

What is it about us super women that send men running back to their bromances after a fun hook up? Apparently he hears ‘fun hook up’ translated as ‘ I am looking for a relationship and I want to have your babies, lets get serious’. This could probably be the reason men/boys/dudes don’t phone or call after a night out. Fun to them means fun. But when they do call, us silly girls go into a panic and yes, our built in girl thoughts start thinking long term and what it would be like to have you around all the time. Most times however these thoughts dissipate as the whole fun hook up thing only really happens with guys we wouldn’t necessarily go for. A daring act of drunken debauchery.

So this has been happening to me a lot lately when hooking up with the guy. He will call the next day and arrange a second ‘meeting’, sms his little heart out, get in my good books and then after a good couple of days of ‘fun’ will pull the ‘ I am not looking for anything serious, just by the way.’ Card. Tell me something boys – where have I ever said that you were the one for me, the only ONE, my shining night of amour. Can you believe that I too just want some fun? But then again girls cannot have fun. Random hook up’s lead to labels such as ‘slutty mcslut face’, ‘ the whore who wants more’ or my favourite: Easy.

Where is this middle ground? Which Serious Sarah out there screwed it up for all of us by damaging the beautiful nation of our boy’s minds?

A friend once told me about how he used the whole ‘serious’ vibe to make the girl he liked work harder for him. A way to seem nonchalant and hard to get. This obviously worked as she didn’t give up and now they are in a SERIOUS relationship and to add, madly in love. I don’t know about you but as soon as a guy gives me the serious finger I tend to give him a zap back to reality.

Rules on one-night hook ups:

(These are generally known, but most times forgotten in the act)

- BOYS: Don’t waste our time with asking for numbers unless you are going to call. This makes the next day hell. Is he calling or isn’t he?

- GIRLS: If he wants your number. Get his instead. That way you have a night to think about your choices. Taking Tattoo Travis back to your mom may not be the best idea.

- BOYS: We get that dance floors and shooter bars are not the ideal place to meet our husband. Relax we are here to have fun.

- GIRLS: Buy him a drink. Take charge of the fun. Being a ‘fun chick’ automatically cancels out the ‘slut’ label you could get. Being talked about as the ‘rad chick he hooked up with last night’ totally beats the ‘sloppy drunk I grinded on the dance floor’.

- BOYS: If you want to come home with us, don’t ask to come have ‘tea’. Cos you will probably just get tea. We know what ‘tea’ means. Dorks.

- GIRLS: Go to his place. Always his place. Easy escape when the fun is done.

How Bad Can a Date Be?

The first sign that this was going to be a bad date was when it took him three weeks to take me out in public. Bedroom is fine. Kitchen I can deal with. Only coming over after dark… well he was busy during the day, ok?

 So with a romantic evening planned ahead I dawned on my patent heels and little black number. Hair straightened, perfume sprayed and make up perfected. A hot little piece of ass I thought I was.

Knock, knock on the door and a smile was greeted by:

“um, oh hi.. oh you still need time to change?’ from me.

“Nope bru, let’s vaai” from him.

Looking at this creature that God could’ve only created to humour me. It was standing in a wife beater, Baggy-Eminem-grab-your-crotch Jeans and…Slip slops. Slip slops. Slip slops.

Ok I can deal with this. Don’t Judge.

Enter Hemingways. After a drive that theoretically should’ve taken 15 mins to get there, we arrived (surprisingly not with a handbrake turn), in our parking in 4mins 32 secs.

The restaurant was small, cosy, romantic. Not for the trailer trash I was about to drag in. Chivalry died in the car.

Sit. Order. What would I like? Don’t worry you may order for yourself first. My turn? Bottle of Rose. Yes, One glass. Wow you are quite a pretty waitress aren’t you? And you are flirting with Mr Sloppy. Good girl! Buzz, buzz, buzz… phone vibrations in my pocket. Thank God! And as I was about to open up the ‘Get out of this date fast message’ he snatched my phone from me. Opened the window and put it on the landing outside. And closed the window again! Ha ha. Not funny Sloppy.

“Please give my phone back”

“Uh, no”

“Seriously, give it back”

“That was very rude of you to take your phone out when you have company, sweetheart”

Oh I am sorry ‘sweetheart’ I don’t think I got the memo that this was a polite date and that the company I kept even knew what a cellphone was, Bru.

Silence.

Sloppy, “ If you want it, go fetch it yourself.”

Under breath, ”Wanker.”

Dinner. Good. Besides taking 15mins to pay the bill and only to be described as ‘sloppy flirting’ with the pretty waitress.

Post dinner we scumbled off to a gig that was happening down the road. Enter me and with a quick “I am going to find my friends” goodbye, I put on my speed shoes. Only to be found 30 mins later with an arm grab and a welcoming:

“Where the hell have you been? You are my date tonight and you will stay by my side the whole night. Now lets go. We are meeting my chinas for drinks.”

Dragged by the upper arm I shuffled to the car.

Cubana. A smart place. Dress shoes and collars only. Yet he gave every bouncer a full swing of his sick puppies. With the foul language and bat swings with which much to my humorless self was quite funny. He did not give up. He even used the Girlfriend card:

“Can’t you see my Girlfriend wants a drink? I want to talk to the manager”

At that point the bouncer even offered to drive me home. Bless him. And so stupid was I to say no.

And that night ended with a ‘friendly’ punch on the arm for not paying attention to him at another bar and a (finally) persuasive “lets go home” from me.

In the parking lot of his place.

“You coming up?”

“ Fuck off.”

Seriously.

All American Cowboy Boots

Never bite the hand that feeds you. Don’t crap on your own doorstep. And most importantly – do not fraternise with staff. Listen to me. However the sayings go – sometimes they are based on real life events of people, like me, that have thought some ideas are better played out than left in the very wise book of ‘Very Wise Thoughts To Not Try At Home, by the great authors of Very Wise People’.

I have this very cool, super local fish bowl I like to swim in. For some reason however I never thought that barmen were a ‘no-go zone’.  Especially since Texas was foreign and kinda cute (I had beer goggles on most of the time). Anyways what are the chances that in such a small town one could find an out of Towner from a place that has captured all my dreams. Cowboys = My cloud 9. A real life cowboy with a deep southern drawl AND that can ride AND that’s really from Texas, oh AND did I mention a US Marine? = My slip n slide into heaven.

As you have guessed I am a sucker for an accent and have dabbled a little in the pond of men in uniforms. *sigh*. A barman. Easy target and God help me it was too easy. No offence to Americans but Jesus ya’ll talk way too much. You said I was so easy to talk to – but that’s cuz I could never say anything! Have a seat. Sip your beer.  IT… IS… NOT… ALL… ABOUT… YOU. I honestly was about to fake my own death if you told me about your mamma one more time. But would you notice? I heard that story once. Interesting the first time. Second time flies started to gather around me. Third time – yeah… pretty much brain dead sheriff.

Women have this power of over looking small boulders about men they lust after. Texas was divorced. Had proposed 3 times(different women) and a tad slow. Mmm… how it is possible to over look such minor detail. YOU TOSS ROCKET! I had had enough. I left and went back to the fish bowl. Same fish same bowl but this time I had his shift list stuck on my dashboard. Wednesday night, good to go. I hear he is going back soon. I miss my Monday night reg makers.

Sorry Texas. I told you I wasn’t a very nice girl.